Friday, September 19, 2008

oy vey

Wow, two posts in one week...I am on fire! I have no idea where the time goes these days.

Maya will be one month old on Sunday. Can you believe it? These last four weeks have felt like a blink. While things are going quite well, despite some minor issues (spitting up, gas, etc.), I am struggling with some serious personal inadequacies.

As anxious as I was during the pregnancy, I am plagued that much with insecurities in new motherhood. I am always thinking that I could be doing so much better. I am constantly wondering if I am holding Maya the wrong way, being too rough with her, not engaging her enough, not being patient enough, not giving her enough. I worry when she doesn't sleep enough. I worry when she sleeps too much. Moreover, I am plagued with guilt. As I sat feeding her in the rocking chair this morning the thought ran through my brain that I wished she would go to sleep so that I could get the laundry done and take a shower. Immediately I felt awful for even entertaining that notion, because clearly my priorities are second right now. I shouldn't be wishing my baby would sleep so that I could get my own selfish needs met.

And she really is such a good baby. She barely ever fusses, and anything that she does complain about is generally fixable (hungry, gassy, poopy, tired, etc.). Maya deserves a really great mummy and I spend a lot of the time feeling like I just don't fit the bill. My husband hates it when I say that - he thinks I'm fishing for compliments. But I'm not, really. I just wish I could be a better mum...somehow. I just feel like such a novice.

Every night before I go to sleep, I look over at my beautiful sleeping princess sacked out in the co-sleeper next to me and wish I'd given her a better day. I just want her to be so happy and feel so perfect all the time. She is my whole world. Four weeks along and I'm already wracked with guilt.

I am really getting to be such a jewish mother. My ancestors would be so proud.


Jenni said...

I wish I could tell you it gets better, but my little guy is 15 months and I still feel inadequate half the time. You just have to do the best you can and try to remember that you are Maya's only mom, so to her, you are perfect.

And there is NOTHING wrong with wanting your kid to sleep so you can shower. Seriously. You will be a better and happier mom for Maya if you take good care of yourself. Remember that.

And the regular showering? Also doesn't get much easier :)

Fertilized said...

Oh Hilary- I am at 13.5 weeks and STILL feel this very same way. I think this is just "part of hte ride" as they say. Just remember, you said if fussy, you find things that need fixing - and if you get um fixed - you are doing the job perfectly! You are not alone in these thougths at all said...

I'm sure you are a fabulous mother. Don't be so hard on yourself.

It all seems new because it is!! You and Maya are still figuring it all out.

She eats, she sleeps, she poops - all sounds pretty normal to me.

Oh, and I am also very sure that EVERY mother in the world wishes their baby to sleep so they can get things done (or sleep themselves).

Don't be so hard on yourself - your baby is beautiful, you are obviously doing a wonderful job.


Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I'm beginning to think that guilt comes with the territory of motherhood. I have those very same feelings on a daily basis. But when I'm really down on myself I think about the fact that she's been here for 8 weeks and I've managed to keep her alive and content so far. And if I can handle it now while she can't speak to me in words then I've got to get better at some point, right?

A girl can hope.

Hang in there. ((HUGS))

Mel said...

Happy 1 month, little Miss Maya!!!
I think you are doing great.. don't be too hard on yourself. Motherhood appears to be all about learning, for you and for her.

Hilary said...

It gets me! I would love to see new pictures of little missy..when you have time :) Have a great weekend and enjoy that sweet blessing :)