Wow, two posts in one week...I am on fire! I have no idea where the time goes these days.
Maya will be one month old on Sunday. Can you believe it? These last four weeks have felt like a blink. While things are going quite well, despite some minor issues (spitting up, gas, etc.), I am struggling with some serious personal inadequacies.
As anxious as I was during the pregnancy, I am plagued that much with insecurities in new motherhood. I am always thinking that I could be doing so much better. I am constantly wondering if I am holding Maya the wrong way, being too rough with her, not engaging her enough, not being patient enough, not giving her enough. I worry when she doesn't sleep enough. I worry when she sleeps too much. Moreover, I am plagued with guilt. As I sat feeding her in the rocking chair this morning the thought ran through my brain that I wished she would go to sleep so that I could get the laundry done and take a shower. Immediately I felt awful for even entertaining that notion, because clearly my priorities are second right now. I shouldn't be wishing my baby would sleep so that I could get my own selfish needs met.
And she really is such a good baby. She barely ever fusses, and anything that she does complain about is generally fixable (hungry, gassy, poopy, tired, etc.). Maya deserves a really great mummy and I spend a lot of the time feeling like I just don't fit the bill. My husband hates it when I say that - he thinks I'm fishing for compliments. But I'm not, really. I just wish I could be a better mum...somehow. I just feel like such a novice.
Every night before I go to sleep, I look over at my beautiful sleeping princess sacked out in the co-sleeper next to me and wish I'd given her a better day. I just want her to be so happy and feel so perfect all the time. She is my whole world. Four weeks along and I'm already wracked with guilt.
I am really getting to be such a jewish mother. My ancestors would be so proud.